Have you heard about The Big Six Marathons? They are: Boston, New York, Chicago, London, Berlin, and Tokyo.
I’m telling you right now that I’ll probably never do this circuit because 1) I’m not a professional runner, and 2) Hello Kitty makes me feel uneasy, so I don’t want to visit Japan. Get a mouth you weird, white cat.
Anyway, these are The World Marathon Majors, the Six most iconic races on the planet. I know this, I’ve been able to list them off since I was a teenager. So why, I ask, was I like whaaaaaaaaatttttt????, when I clicked the link for Official Boston Marathon Training Plans?
Here’s the link: https://www.baa.org/races/boston-marathon/boston-marathon-training
Okay, so first, I’m always so impressed by the graphic design styling of the Boston Marathon. We have the yellow and blue colorway, never any deviation. We have literally the same font choice that was used for The Declaration of Independence. And of course we have the unicorn mascot, who is actually a stallionicorn. This guy does not poop confetti—and on the off chance that he does, it’s yellow and blue.
This is all to say, things are high and tight at the Boston Marathon. If this race had a hairstyle, it would be a $60 crew cut.
Anyway, the training plans also prefer to wear a crew cut.
Level One is for people like me, who forgot what it takes to train for a marathon, but have run 10 or 12 of these in the past. It is the ‘beginner/novice’ plan which has you running 10 miles at a pop by week 2. By week 4 you are doing ‘marathon simulation runs.’
Um, okay? Simulate the marathon? You want me to vomit on the front of my shirt during training runs? I can do that. Would you also like me to circle back around and tell Jared I quit when I’m two thirds of the way through? I’m on it.
Level Two is for people who are ‘novice/intermediate,’ and has these unsuspecting friends running 13 miles by week 4. This is the link I initially clicked on, and quickly closed because if week 4 looks like that, CAN YOU IMAGINE WEEK 16? And guys, there are 20 weeks.
Right off the bat, my coach John said, “I think you’re a two.” Then, about 9 seconds later, he followed up with, “Never mind. No you ain’t.”
Level Three is for the men from the 80s and 90s who are 5’10” and weigh 122. They usually wear the shorts that aren’t sewn up on the sides (so the nylon can flutter against their glute medius), and almost always, they’re dentists. They will only ever wear one warmup suit in their life, because it’s still perfectly fine, and they have a regimented stretching routine.
Level Four is for people with anti-social personality disorder OR for people with anti-social personality disorder.
So I’m a one, and if there were fraction plans, I’d strongly consider those. But let me get serious for a second. Even the level one plan is a huge commitment that will take enormous amounts of discipline, time, and energy.
The world needs all kinds of people who are willing to dedicate enormous amounts of discipline, time, and energy to their craft. The most impressive of these people might just be the medical minds in Boston. These are the ones who are doing the research and writing the books. These are the ones who are developing and performing complex surgeries to save the legs and arms of my neighbors in Lewiston, Maine. These are the people working long hours, because they’re the smartest ones who know how to save the most people.
And God help us all, how does it work when 13 people are shot and critically injured at the same time? I can barely make words when I stop to think about this.
Really, we are who we are, and there’s not much I can do, except be a level one runner, and raise money for the people who are level four thinkers down in Boston.
So friends, you have my words that I will stick to that training plan, I will raise this money, and I’ll do it for Lewiston, Maine. Some of my neighbors will spend the winter waking up with empty beds in their house because they lost a loved one in the massacre—that is level four hard.
Please donate! We’re *so close* to the $8,000 goal. Soooooo close! Training starts on Monday!
Here is the long fundraising link that I don’t know how to shorten:
Here is a photo of a level three runner 👇
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